All the President’s Shower Heads

AP Photo/Jenny Kane

I’m not sure which brand(s) of shower heads Donald Trump has experienced at the White House or his properties, but to hear him tell it, the shower heads at these venues defeat him.  Whatever they are, they don’t get him wet enough fast enough.  

In most cases you want me disarmed of any tool used in an attempt to commit an act of plumbing, but in the past few years I have successfully purchased and installed several moderately-priced handheld shower heads of the 2.5 gallon-per-minute design the president finds insufficient for his bathing and hair washing needs. In all cases, the shower heads adjusted from a gentle shower to a concentrated jet so strong that it could be recommended for use to put out small household fires. These shower heads have managed to perform admirably, even in a house in a neighborhood that plumbers and water company workers agree has historically suffered from woefully insufficient water pressure. 

In spite of my limited level of expertise, I do have a few suggestions for the president to make his showering and hair washing experiences more satisfactory: 

1. Have someone knowledgeable at the White House and each Trump property instruct the president on the operation of a 21st Century shower head. Should the president have the same problems adjusting the shower head as he appears to have with closing umbrellas, perhaps that shower head expert can shower with the president, adjusting the head until a satisfactory setting is found. In fact, should the president master the operation of the shower head, he can discuss it in interviews and press conferences proclaiming that experts have never seen anyone operate a shower head so well and that Joe Biden would never be able to do it. 
2. Like the president’s hairline, mine also started to recede in my twenties. I spent much of the ‘80’s and ‘90’s trying in vain to make my hair “look perfect.” It took me almost a decade to get on board with it, but when Michael Jordan shaved his head in 1989 it made bald much cooler than the Frank Gehry-inspired architecture the president has to constantly construct with his mane. It might take a little getting used to, but should save the president valuable time, both in the shower and in front of the mirror. And as an added bonus, it will drastically cut the expense of haircuts, shampoo, conditioner, and, in his case, hair coloring. 

Although I have no way of knowing the age and state of repair of the water systems or plumbing at the properties where the president showers, my unwavering faith in good old American ingenuity leads me to believe that, even if they have not already done so, the fluid mechanics experts of America can quickly design fixtures that satisfy not only water conservation and energy efficiency standards, but even this president’s peculiar standards.

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